Inspiration

Inspired by a comment on my latest post, I have decided to officially retire from the NFL. Unfortunately for the league, teams did not want to give me a chance to compete for a starting job at (FILL IN POSITION HERE).

I was not satisfied to be a backup, and so I'm putting my NFL career aside to chase new and exciting projects.

Yes, this week is Iowa/Iowa State. I've chosen to forgo cheap shots and humor this year. All business.

(Do they even have a business school at Clown U? Agri business does not count...)

(Yes, I know they have a business school. Law... (human) medicine... those things are right out, but they do have a business school. Go Moo U!)

Yes!

Gem plucked off of the discussion board at the end of an online Press-Citizen article...

"I don't know if [Pat] Harty claims to be an Iowa fan or a fan of some other school. I do know, however, that Harty is a douche.

Go Hawks!"

God bless you, DaHawk56. God bless you.

Mulder? Scully?

David Duchovny is in rehab to kick his sex habit.

Remember when he was relevant? Oh, those were the days. I still look at my flannel shirts and my Nirvana CDs with tearful sentimentality.

I'd like to congratulate a couple of entities for some bold moves today.

BOLD MOVE #A - Georgia may just cut off relations with the country that invaded them. It may be time to consider that move.

BOLD MOVE #2 - John McCain picked the governor of Alaska as his running mate. Isn't she being investigated for ... wait, I already said she was an Alaska Republican. It's like the Reps own little Chicago up there, eh?

BOLD MOVE #4 - Me, for picking Iowa to beat Maine on Saturday. However, if Iowa doesn't run for a ridiculous number of yards and completely control the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball, it's going to be a loooooooong year.

The only end, my friend

I shall not post a lengthy diatribe about the ignominious end of the Iowa football season.

I will merely point out that Kirk Ferentz - a man that can coach a football team, no question about it - is making almost $3 million a season, and over the past three years his won/loss record is 19-19.

His team's arrest record is much worse.

Earn your money, Kirk.

I'll be waiting patiently to see what changes are made in the offseason - and if there aren't changes, I imagine some Iowa fans are going to be more than a little peeved.

How did...














take a team from...














into gridiron combat with THE...














University and come out with a ...











?

Man - if the Gobbledy Zooker had managed to squeak one out against Iowa...they'd be staring the BCS directly in the face. Go Zooker!

Meanwhile, Iowa is staring Phoenix or Orlando (or, God help us, Detroit) squarely in the face. I am absolutely shocked that the ol' Captain got the troops whipped into shape like he did. I foresaw a 3 or 4 win season not all that long ago, and now a win against a somewhat hapless Western Michigan team this Saturday makes Iowa 7-5 - more wins than they had last year.

Do not forget, tailgate attendees - the tailgate this Saturday has been proclaimed the 'Stache Bash. Apparently, males who show up sans mustache will be snickered at and will not be allowed to think they're cool because they don't have a mustache.

I've also been told that a mustache in conjunction with other facial hair is a no go. 'Staches only. We'll see.

Kudos

The fellas over at sportscliche.com have helped me sum up Iowa's late season surge in true color commentator form:

He's a good X's and O's coach. He runs a squeaky-clean program. They're a blue collar team. They've gone to a youth movement. They've got tremendous mental toughness. They're a dark horse team. This team is showing flashes of brilliance. They're finally hitting their stride. This team is really starting to gel. This team is starting to make some noise. This could be a sleeper team. They're a team to be reckoned with. Everybody's on the same page. The players have bought into the system. This team is not going to sneak up on anybody. This team has turned the corner. This team has raised the bar. They've gotten over the hump. This team has finally gotten off the schneid. This team travels well. Those players form their nucleus. He's really whipped them into shape. He's got them headed in the right direction. This team takes on the personality of their coach. He must challenge his players. These guys have been working their tails off. These guys have been busting their butts. They're finally getting the respect they deserve. They've been playing with confidence. They've got great team chemistry. This team is like a family. They've got die-hard fans. You have to respect their quickness. You have to respect their athleticism. You have to respect their physicality. They do a great job defensively. They're a multi-faceted team. They're an offensive-minded team. They have a high-octane offense. They have a potent offense. They've got a lot of depth. They pride themselves on their defense. They have a stingy defense. They have a swarming defense. They play tough "D". They play punishing defense. They’ve been on a roll. They’re over-achievers. They can go the distance. They won't be denied. They strike fear in the hearts of their opponents. They’ve come out of nowhere. They’ve returned from oblivion. What an incredible turnaround. They’re a better team than their record indicates. They're no pushovers. They give you so many different looks. They have a lot of weapons. They've got a tremendous ballclub. They can put up big numbers. They’re a team of destiny. They're playing within themselves. They're taking it one game at a time. They're on a mission.

I'll say it - God bless the sports cliche. Did you know Clark Kellogg coined the term physicality? I needed another reason to hate his guts. Thank you, Clark!

I value your input

I was sitting here today, brooding over the fact that I'm going to miss the Iowa/Minnesota game, and I got to thinking - what about the gameday experience annoys me? What's tired? What's played?

Specifically, I was thinking how I shake my head a little every time they crank Start Me Up over the loudspeakers before a kickoff.

Tired. Played.

Jangling keys during a kickoff?

Tired. Played.

The people who sit 10 rows behind me who once last season shouted "HALF THE DISTANCE TO THE GOAL!" when the other team was penalized while on the Iowa 2 yard line and have proceeded to do it for every opposition penalty since that point?

Tired. Played.

What do you like about being at a live football game? What do you wish would go away permanently?

(Iowa 23, Minnesota 17, in case you wondered.)

Say it ain't so!

Dominique Douglas (aka Doug E. Fresh) (aka Ocho ocho) tried to steal some DVDs from the Wal-Mart last night.

Apparently, he just took them out of the cases and threw them under his coat.

The Wal-Mart knew exactly who he was, as he had come in to deal with a money order at the customer service desk - meaning they had his name and address and next-of-kin and whatever other information one might need to locate and arrest a criminal.

This comes while he is awaiting trial on other theft charges.

Allow me to be the first to say - DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YOU.

Douglas would have been a very nice component to the passing game this year, but not if he can't keep himself from stealing while, you know, waiting to be tried for stealing.

All last year media outlets talked about him as a character kid. Turns out - and this is SHOCKING - you shouldn't believe everything the sports media prints.

Unbelievable.

On a side note, I swear I think about more than Iowa football. You wouldn't know that by monitoring the recent history of this blog, but I swears to you, it's trues.

Exactly like I drew it up

If you go back and read my previous blog entry about the upcoming Iowa/Michigan State game (don't bother), you'll see that I correctly predicted...

- Albert Young would go off for 170+ yards (hope he isn't too hurt).
- Jevon Pugh would score in overtime.
- Adrian Clayborn would make a crucial sack in the second OT.
- Paul Chaney JUNIOR would catch his first TD of the season in OT.
- Drew Gardner would make the tackle that sealed the deal.

MEMO TO THE IOWA COACHES- GET THE YOUNG GUYS ON THE FIELD!

I am officially withdrawing any "Back up the truck" or "cover the field" comments I made previously. I don't think this team is going to win on the road, but if they win out at home - horror of horrors, they're probably bowl bound.

Don't ask me if they deserve it. That's a question for a more reasoned and logical time. Just celebrate with the following lyrics...

In Heaven there is no beer
That's why we drink it here
And when we're gone from here
Our friends will be drinking all the beer

Amazing rhyme structure. Truly groundbreaking. Go Hawks!

You Know What I Hate?

I hate being so right about an Iowa game.

Getting your ass kicked by the favorite sons of Wilford Brimley is no way to impress Your RHS.

Iowa is a bad bad bad football team. Injuries are a small part of that. Constant off-the-field distractions, sluggish on-field efforts, poor coaching decisions...they make up a bigger portion of the problem.

I won't lie and say wins and losses don't matter to me - they do. They matter very much. If you're not prepared to put a competitive team on the field every year at Iowa, don't bother applying for the job.

What concerns me more is the constant stream of problems that happen off the field. Problems that involve the local constabulary. Players stealing credit cards. Players driving drunk. Players urinating in public then running to avoid the ticket. Players threatening their live in girlfriends. Rumors are swirling now about another pair of players who may have been involved in a significant illegal act.

One thing I know Gary Barta won't do is sit on his a** while this goes on. Iowa fans have patted each other on the back for years telling each other that Iowa wins (or loses) the "right" way. Those days are over. Sure, Iowa isn't paying the players (or they haven't been caught doing it, anyway), but it's high time someone began enforcing some meaningful discipline on the players in the football program. Their place on the team and their scholarships are neither one a right, they're privileges - privileges which many current and former members of the football program seem unable to understand.

My best bet is that as bad as Iowa has been this year, they finish 5-7. Minnesota and Western Michigan aren't exactly setting the world on fire. Still, it's hard for me to put much of an emotional investment in the current band of thugs trotting out and showing no heart on a weekly basis.

That being said, I'll be in my seat at Kinnick Stadium on Saturday hoping the Hawkeyes can beat Michigan State. If they decide to put the game in the hands of a quarterback who is clearly not ready to win a game on his own, they will get blown out. MSU could put up 60 if Iowa doesn't run the ball. If they think that unlike every other game this year, their receivers are suddenly going to start running good routes, getting separation, and catching the G** d***ed ball, the coaching staff is drinking a brand of Kool-Aid I'd like to try.

38-10 Michigan State is my sad prediction for this weekend. I think Iowa could go out and beat Sparty, I just question if the coaches and players will put the team in a position to do so.

Boiler Up

Apparently, as an Iowa fan I was supposed to be discussing bowl possibilities this week. (I wasn't). Good Lord - the team is 3-4! How many times this season have they managed to score more than one touchdown in a game? Twice? Considering they beat a 1-win team in one of those games and got ripped by the Indiana Freaking Hoosiers in the other, I'm not all that impressed.

The offense is - how to put this nicely - still a little "challenged". The defense looked good against the spread option that Illinois runs - an offense which has absolutely gobbled Iowa up in the past couple of years - but they didn't throw the ball a whole lot. When they did, it was generally disastrous for Iowa (or Illinois on a couple of occasions). Purdue is an offense that Iowa is capable of stopping. They've done it before. Hell, they did it last season with many of the same young gentlemen they'll be trotting out on Saturday.

That being said - I have a sinking feeling Iowa is going to come out flat on the road, and by the time they wake up they're going to be buried under an insurmountable deficit - something in the 10 to 14 point range. I'm sure Captain Kirk will take lots of notes during the game and look on stoically while his team plays without emotion in the first quarter.

Iowa is going to need to maintain their steady diet of AY and young Mr. Sims on offense in order to keep their defense fresh. Purdue has been exposed the past two weeks by Michigan and Ohio State as the latest in a long line of Big Ten Pretenders that Joe Tiller has cobbled together in West Lafayette, but Iowa isn't even in the Pretender category.

The spread on this game is hovering around a touchdown, and the over/under is around 45.5. I'd take Purdue and the under.

Random notes:

• Kudos to Dana Brown for his stay at Iowa. Thanks for keeping it classy, buddy.
• Best thing I've read on the message board this week: Matt Carufel is an o-lineman that Iowa went after out of high school. He recently left Notre Dame and seems to have narrowed his transfer choices to Iowa or Mini-soda. One poster posited that a 2010 offensive line of Bryan Bulaga, Julian Vandervelde, Matt Carufel, James Ferentz, and a nameless fifth guy would be ridiculous. Response from an obviously gifted poster: "A line of Blake Larson (sic), Chris Felder, Chris Thomas, Mike Jones, and somebody else could be ridiculous - Unknown, 2003". Until someone is in the starting lineup at Iowa and playing well, I just can't get too fired up about potential recruits. (Except Blake Larsen. Dude won some Leadership awards. And Matt Bohnet. He saw the writing on the wall and transferred to Eastern Michigan in order to free up space for better QBs on the roster. They'll both Always Be A Hawk.)
• Kirk says Tony Moeaki might play this week. I say "BULLS**T" while coughing into my hand.
• Andy Brodell's injury was/is career threatening? Good gravy. I hear it's bad when your hamstring muscle actually tears completely off of the bone.
  

Iowa Won(?)(!)

A recap of what I called for and how it worked out...

A) Iowa commit to running the ball.

They ran the ball fairly effectively, picking up 141 yards on the ground. Albert Young looked good and helped keep a grinding offense on the field - keeping Iowa's defense off the field.

B) Jacody Coleman get significant PT.

He did. The kid apparently has no skills in pass coverage, but I love the intensity he brings to the field.

C) Chad Geary get significant PT.

I didn't see him in on defense at any time. On the flip side, I only saw an Iowa d-end make one play all day. Iowa's defensive ends have been "not real good" this season.

D) THROW THE G** D***ED BALL TO DJK!

2 catches, 27 yards. He also fumbled a kickoff, but managed to bring it out past the 20 anyway.

E) Kirk to show "emotion".

The Press-Citizen claims he was "teary-eyed" after the game. I can not confirm, as I was busy celebrating.

F) An offensive line that has figured out how to pick up a blitz.

They didn't need to figure it out. Illinois played Norm Parker ball and sat back in a 4-3 all game. Uninspired gameplan on the part of the Illinois staff (which, if you've heard me talk about Ron Zook, shouldn't surprise you in the least).

I said if Iowa's offense moved the ball and kept the defense off the field, they would have a chance to win. They won the time of possession battle by almost 10 full minutes, meaning Brett Greenwood was fresh when Eddie McGee threw that duck into his arms in the closing minutes. I by no means expected Iowa would be able to hang on to the ball, but kudos to the team and staff for a well-executed game plan.

Iowa still has a long ways to go to be a good football team, but they showed some desire and heart today. The offense committed to hanging on to the football, the defense played (God help me for saying this) textbook bend but don't break football - even the special teams looked all right (ignoring Ryan Donahue's attempt at a coffin corner that gave Illinois the ball at the 30 with 2 1/2 minutes left).

To quote the illustrious Bibguy, a win is a win. No such thing as winning ugly.

Once more into the breach

Good ol' SUI takes on the Offensive Native American Nicknames of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign on Saturday.

Keith Jackson liked to refer to Kinnick Stadium as a snake pit for opposing teams; however, as of 2007 Illinois is having a dream season, Iowa is having a nightmare season, and Keith Jackson is shilling Gatorade.

Illinois will come looking for blood, and probably find it the first time little Jake Christensen drops back to pass.

I have little hope for the game on Saturday. I cling to home-field advantage, recent domination of the series by Iowa, and the fact that the Gobbledy Zooker is pacing the Offensive Native American Nickname sideline.

Things I do hope to see...

A) Iowa commit to running the ball.
B) Jacody Coleman get significant PT.
C) Chad Geary get significant PT.
D) THROW THE G** D***ED BALL TO DJK!
E) Kirk to show "emotion".
F) An offensive line that has figured out how to pick up a blitz.
G) More DJK.
H) The Worm! (Where did you go, Worm? The North end zone needs you now more than ever!)
I) Blaise Bryant and his kick-ass high top fade.
J) More DJK, with a smattering of Coleman fist pumping on defense.
K) Kirk to "run out of chewing gum".
L) A backspace button to edit out those quotation marks in point K. I really would like Kirk to run out of gum.
M) Herky to give up looking for the absent Offensive Native American Mascot and go after the Gobbledy Zooker instead.
N) A Hawkeye win.
O) More DJK.

I think that about sums up what I want to see on Saturday. I'm sure I forgot a few things. I'm still saying 27-10 Illinois, because we know Iowa's offense is putrid and their defense will be worn out by halftime.

If Iowa can move the ball and keep their defense rested, they can win this game. If, however, they spend most of the day going three and out...guh.

Yeah

Let's see...how was the weekend in the world of RHS sports?

1. Hawkeyes spanked
2. Cubs spanked
3. Vikings downed by debilitating Bye Week Flu
4. This guy saw GAME DAY RON in the flesh at a local JV sporting contest

Number 4 saved what may have been an unbearable weekend. I had a sinking feeling the Cubs wouldn't be able to win a game in the desert, but I thought MAYBE they could sack up and win one at home. I hate being a delusional Cubs fan.

I suppose that last sentence was a little repetitive, wasn't it?

So - no more baseball, two flailing inept football teams to follow for the next few months... life is really great on the sports front.

This week's tailgate theme is our third annual chili cook off. I'm thinking that my current supply of habañero peppers isn't quite hot enough for this guy's taste, so I guess I'll have to figure out another way to spice things up...

On a side note - I broke out a tilde! What a Monday.

Not again

As some people can attest to, I lost my cool at the end of the 1999 Iowa/Western Michigan game when the Hawkeyes were completely whipped by a MAC team.

I see they're the last game of the 2007 schedule.

Do they run the spread? If so, there's not a single game left on the schedule that I'm confident Iowa will win.

How does a team go from 4 consecutive January bowl games to being the worst team in the Big Ten? I realize many of you think I'm exaggerating, but Iowa's offense is putrid, their defense is stale and predictable, and their special teams wouldn't cut it in the Gateway Conference, let alone the Big 1(1)0.

Unless Iowa proves they can pass the ball, they could be looking at 0-8 in the conference - something which was unthinkable even a couple of weeks ago.

A major house cleaning is in order for the coaching staff this winter, I'm afraid. I'm not sure why any talented defensive recruit would want to play at Iowa, and watching the offense this season, why would anyone from that side of the ball want to play here either?

Things are looking mighty bleak for the Hawkeyes at the moment. Consistently having walk-ons in the two-deeps on the offensive line MIGHT be catching up with them. Maybe. That and a whole slew of other problems.

Pop Quiz

Yet again, the Iowa secondary gets to see the Indiana Hoosiers, their spread offense, and receiver James Hardy - the first man over 8 feet tall to play FBS college football.

Your quiz...

1. James Hardy will catch 15 passes on Saturday. T/F

2. Iowa will have their duo of linebacking Mikes covering James Hardy often this weekend. T/F

3. Has Norm Parker and the rest of the staff figured out how to shut down the lowly Hoosiers?

A. Yes, RHS! Norm is a genius! Iowa's front seven is amazing!
B. No, RHS. You've seen how the spread offense gives Iowa fits despite the number of programs running it now.
C. Shoot the hostage.

4. Is it possible for James Hardy to catch 5 touchdown passes and still see his team lose the game? Explain your answer. Cite examples.

5. Over/Under on season ending injuries this weekend: 2 1/2. Take one. Put money where mouth is, if necessary.

6. Explain the nickel and dime defensive sets. Use illustrations if necessary.

We'll see if any of you pass the quiz. The best answer to #6 will have the honor of knowing more about such a defensive scheme than Iowa's entire defensive coaching staff.

I was about to type "If Iowa doesn't come out fired up and pound Indiana..." but why? We know they won't. They should win, but it'll be ugly and close.

Dad gum it

Iowa has some underclassmen with some potential on offense.

I wish they'd realize that potential...soon.

Perhaps not plateau, like Iowa players "with potential" in the past.

Also, are James Townsend and Warren Holloway the only Hawkeye receivers of the past 10 years capable of running a simple fly route down the center of the field without tripping over their own God damned Spaldings?

No, Bashir Yamini does not count, no matter how many times the south end zone called for it in 1999.

D'oh

Why did Iowa State manage to beat Iowa despite going completely dormant for 28 minutes of the second half?

They made the only two big plays of the game. One blocked FG, one long completion to put them in FG range at the end.

I'm sure a flurry of excuses will come from my fellow Hawkeye fans over the next few days, but Iowa lost because Iowa State played a better game from beginning to end. Iowa certainly had opportunities to win and failed to capitalize.

Bring on the Badgers?

And it runs on gasohol!

Setting aside the fact that Kirk Ferentz is the highest-paid public employee in the Great State of Iowa, is it fair that Gene Chizik is the one who gets the company car?

Oh, it's on yet again. There's something about Iowa/Iowa State that just makes me giddy. The rest of the country couldn't give two flying f**ks about the game, but Iowa goes all Civil War brother vs. brother over it.

I laid out some blasts last season, but here is my favorite...

"Legends of recent ISU football and how they would fit into Iowa's current depth chart...

Jason Berryman - would push Bryan Mattison and threaten to take his starting job, or at least his cell phone and pocket change.
Todd Blythe - Eric McCollom leaving team + Calvin Davis season-ending injury = Blythe getting to practice some with the third and fourth teams.
Blaise Bryant - would not be allowed to pad out, but would draw kudos from players allowed to pad out for "kick ass" high top fade.
Troy Davis - could spell Damian Sims on kickoff returns, and give Sam Brownlee and Dana Brown someone to compete with in practice. No shame, Troy - every team needs someone on the scout team who can break the occasional tackle.
Ellis Hobbs III - would probably see the field in some nickel sets.
J.J. Moses - would give Zach Gabelmann something in practice upon which he could "vent his anger".
"Marvelous" Marv Seiler - Would stick as the #4 QB. The nickname alone gets him in, as any effort to kick him off the team would result in a scene of starters giving up their spot for him, a la Rudy.
That Guy Bibguy Called Dumbo - Still not able to beat out Cheerleader Bruce, Tom, "Bullies of the Big Ten" First Down Guy, Mark McGwire/Chad Greenway Dude, the Penn State people, those "Reeeeal Nice" people that used to sit in front of me, the Stylesetters, Headphone Guy, This S.O.B., Earl's Grill (I hear it's a HELL of a cooking implement), the Worm, Woman Who Knows the Other Team Holds on Every Play, Windsock Guy, Eggwarmer / Yep-Nope / 10-90 / Missouri Compromise, Cheerleader Bruce's life partner, or either one of the Red Headed Assholes for a starting spot in any respectable Kinnick section. As Bibguy rightly points out, there are many others that Dumbo wouldn't budge from the depth chart - The Minister from Milwaukee, the Statistician, The Guy Who Said "What's a Frozen Rope?", and Moustache Lady, to name a few. Especially The Guy Who Said "What's a Frozen Rope?".
Seneca Wallace - would probably push Andy Fenstermaker in practice after a position switch.

Did I leave anyone from Cow Tech out? If I did, it was awfully God damned intentional, because they all committed to the SUCK-CLOWNS at Moo U.! "

I'd dearly love it if Iowa State went 11-1 10-2 9-3 this year, so long as they lose this game. Does that make me a bad person?