Sydney White

** out of *****

The lack of an online image of the movie's poster says volumes about the faith studio execs had in its ability to make "the cash."

They were right, of course.

Sydney White is a modern retelling of Snow White, set during Sydney's freshman year at fictional Southern Atlantic University. This would have been more apparent had they gone with the original title, Sydney White and the Seven Dorks, but I guess they feared a backlash from dorks. Hey - I still went to see the movie, albeit not entirely voluntarily, so could the dork reference have hurt them that much?

There are a few clever references to the original story - the evil sorority girl constantly checks the campus "Hot or Not" (Hot or Not? Is this 1995?) website, saying to no one in particular the first time she sits to check it, "Am I still the fairest of them all?" The poisoned apple that puts Sydney to sleep is her iBook, which is hacked into by evil forces, forcing her to pull an all-nighter to rewrite a crucial paper (for the only class she appears to be taking in the movie) and sleep all day, almost missing a crucial moment in the climax of the film.

Much of the chance this movie had to be successful with me went right out the window from the start when I laid eyes on Amanda Bynes. Don't misunderstand - Your RHS ain't hatin' now, and he doesn't have anything against the young Ms. Bynes. Her fake-bake tan in the movie, however, was easily the worst makeup job I've seen in a wide release motion picture in years. It's so bad as to be distracting for the entire film. She's ORANGE, fer Pete's sake.

Sydney White was great for people who love Disney Channel movies or John Schneider cameos (and you know I love one of those!), but outside of that dedicated group, it won't keep you interested for any length of time.

Baseball?

That loud beeping you hear every night is the Chicago Cubs baseball club desperately trying to back into the playoffs.

That loud hacking noise you hear is the Milwaukee Brewers professional club of baseball players trying to choke away the chance to pass the Cubs.

The magic number is 2. 3 to play. Were it any other team in baseball, I'd be all fired up. It being the Cubs, I know it'll be all too easy to let this slip away.

I'm just not sure the Brewers will let them get away with folding like a cheap suit.

Update: The Cubs sacked up and managed to win a game, which was all that was needed to finish off those pesky Brewers. Playoffs here we come!

Like most Cubs fans, I'll believe the Cubs are in the World Series when Game 1 of the series is an official game and the Cubs are one of the participants. Not even winning the NLCS would convince me the Cubs were actually going. Also, like most actual Cubs fans, I don't believe this is "the year", based on the fact that the other three teams in the NL playoffs are "better" than the Cubs. Finally, like all Cubs fans, that doesn't mean I don't secretly, deep down inside, keep telling myself, "They're in the playoffs! Anything can happen!"

Satisfaction

Didja ever just need to see a picture?

I did today.

If you don't think the men in this picture are living life to the fullest, then I'm not sure we can be friends.

I'm sorry.

3:10 to Yuma

**** out of *****

I know - it's a big surprise that Your RHS liked a Western.

I was curious to see a New Zealander and a Welshman (don't you think Christian Bale runs like a Welshman?) slide into the iconic American roles of rancher and outlaw.

Good Lord were Russell Crowe and the aforementioned Welshman good in this film.

It's a rather familiar storyline in a Western - right takes on wrong, but exactly who is right and who is wrong is difficult to decipher at several points in the film. Crowe's outlaw goes back and forth from bandit with at least a spleen of gold to cold-hearted cutthroat who'd rather kill you than look at you, and Bale's rancher lets his motivation for 'doing good' drift back and forth from doing it for his kids to doing it for the money to doing it because its right.

The final act of the film I found particularly enjoyable, helping 3:10 to Yuma assume the title of "Best Western I've seen since Unforgiven." Excellent film. If you enjoy Westerns, you can not go wrong with 3:10 to Yuma.

The Simpsons

*** out of *****

I would have thought 1997 a more appropriate and opportune release window for The Simpsons Movie than 2007, but hey - I'm just a lowly worker in "the biz", and the folks at Fox are very very smart.

Very very very smart.

And talented! So talented they produced half a Simpsons movie that lived up to - nay, exceeded - expectations. I have to admit that the first hour or so of the movie tickled my funny bone in a way I thought it would never be tickled by the Simpsons again.
I even downloaded a Spider Pig ringtone - the Hans Zimmer overly dramatic movie score version, thank you very much - because I LOVED THAT PIG.

Once the family moved to Alaska...eh. It was OK, but nothing special.

In fairness to the folks who made the movie, I thought the shelf life of such a project had expired long ago, and expected very little from them. As it stands, I was entertained, and that's always a Good Thing.

I'm still wondering why Ahh-nuld was president in the movie, and not Ranier Wolfcastle, but that's a mild quibble at best.

A bigger quibble - what happened to the pig? Enquiring minds want to know!

Pop Quiz

Yet again, the Iowa secondary gets to see the Indiana Hoosiers, their spread offense, and receiver James Hardy - the first man over 8 feet tall to play FBS college football.

Your quiz...

1. James Hardy will catch 15 passes on Saturday. T/F

2. Iowa will have their duo of linebacking Mikes covering James Hardy often this weekend. T/F

3. Has Norm Parker and the rest of the staff figured out how to shut down the lowly Hoosiers?

A. Yes, RHS! Norm is a genius! Iowa's front seven is amazing!
B. No, RHS. You've seen how the spread offense gives Iowa fits despite the number of programs running it now.
C. Shoot the hostage.

4. Is it possible for James Hardy to catch 5 touchdown passes and still see his team lose the game? Explain your answer. Cite examples.

5. Over/Under on season ending injuries this weekend: 2 1/2. Take one. Put money where mouth is, if necessary.

6. Explain the nickel and dime defensive sets. Use illustrations if necessary.

We'll see if any of you pass the quiz. The best answer to #6 will have the honor of knowing more about such a defensive scheme than Iowa's entire defensive coaching staff.

I was about to type "If Iowa doesn't come out fired up and pound Indiana..." but why? We know they won't. They should win, but it'll be ugly and close.

Star Wars fans only

I'm by no means a Star Wars geek - I'll concede the geek part, but NOT the Star Wars part - and yet I found this downright humorous.

Let the funny flow through you...

The Brothers Solomon

** out of *****

I saw ads for this movie, heard people say how terrible it looked, and still wanted to see it.

I heard direct comments from people who saw the movie on opening weekend who hated it more than you can ever imagine, and I still wanted to see it.

I read that the studio released it on only 700 screens in an effort to dump it as quickly as possible, and I still wanted to see it.

I saw that it finished 24th at the box office on its opening weekend with a gross just under $600,000, and I still wanted to see it.

With those impossibly high standards in mind, I took in The Brothers Solomon.

Everyone who walked out of this movie before it ended - justified. Everyone who stumbled out after the credits with a stunned look on their face - justified. Everyone who made it a point of saying how terrible and horrible and no good very bad this film was - justified.

I laughed. Often.

The Brothers Solomon is a bad movie. It does not try to be a good movie. Aside from a terrible span in the final act, the movie is at least watchable, and had a strange knack for turning what started as tired gags into clever jokes at the end.

However, the movie plodded in places and lost its ability to entertain in others.

It gets one star for making me laugh in places, and one star for wheeling Lee Majors' still-living-yet-obviously-embalmed corpse onto the set every day.

Also - a high Chi McBride content in a stupid comedy is never bad thing.

Wait for it to be on Comedy Central, friends, and then hope that you've still got a few PBR's in the 'fridge to make it funnier.

Dad gum it

Iowa has some underclassmen with some potential on offense.

I wish they'd realize that potential...soon.

Perhaps not plateau, like Iowa players "with potential" in the past.

Also, are James Townsend and Warren Holloway the only Hawkeye receivers of the past 10 years capable of running a simple fly route down the center of the field without tripping over their own God damned Spaldings?

No, Bashir Yamini does not count, no matter how many times the south end zone called for it in 1999.

Balls of Fury

*** out of *****

Those of you who know Your RHS know that he enjoys dumb comedy - nay, he lives for it. Dumb comedies make the world go 'round for this guy.

Hence it should come as no surprise that I made it to my local movie house to take in a showing of Balls of Fury.

Many of the elements were there for a successful stupid film - ridiculous premise, Christopher Walken, that guy who played Snotty in Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise - yet when all was said and done something seemed to be missing. I laughed many a time, and I'm sure repeated viewings will make it an even better film, but some things just didn't click.

I don't enjoy saying this about any dumb comedy, but the plot felt rushed, and the romantic storyline felt strained and awkward. The writers couldn't seem to make up their mind whether they were spoofing Bruce Lee movies or making a wacky ping pong film.

That being said, the opening flashback sequence is priceless, and Diedrich Bader shows up in a KICK ASS cameo.

Did I mention the Revenge of the Nerds 2 connection? Maybe I forgot to mention that. I should.

It's no La Bamba, but Balls of Fury will do in a pinch.

Yes, I know the guy's name is James Hong. Did you know that without looking it up?

Juiced

I saw photos this weekend of O.J. being led around in handcuffs and read reports of him being held without bail - yet when I look at the dateline on my newspaper, it says 2007.

I'm so very confused. Is the new Blind Melon album out yet? Did they ever resolve the baseball strike? Is Ace of Base still huge?

Mmm. Getting in an Ace of Base reference always makes for a good Monday.

D'oh

Why did Iowa State manage to beat Iowa despite going completely dormant for 28 minutes of the second half?

They made the only two big plays of the game. One blocked FG, one long completion to put them in FG range at the end.

I'm sure a flurry of excuses will come from my fellow Hawkeye fans over the next few days, but Iowa lost because Iowa State played a better game from beginning to end. Iowa certainly had opportunities to win and failed to capitalize.

Bring on the Badgers?

And it runs on gasohol!

Setting aside the fact that Kirk Ferentz is the highest-paid public employee in the Great State of Iowa, is it fair that Gene Chizik is the one who gets the company car?

Oh, it's on yet again. There's something about Iowa/Iowa State that just makes me giddy. The rest of the country couldn't give two flying f**ks about the game, but Iowa goes all Civil War brother vs. brother over it.

I laid out some blasts last season, but here is my favorite...

"Legends of recent ISU football and how they would fit into Iowa's current depth chart...

Jason Berryman - would push Bryan Mattison and threaten to take his starting job, or at least his cell phone and pocket change.
Todd Blythe - Eric McCollom leaving team + Calvin Davis season-ending injury = Blythe getting to practice some with the third and fourth teams.
Blaise Bryant - would not be allowed to pad out, but would draw kudos from players allowed to pad out for "kick ass" high top fade.
Troy Davis - could spell Damian Sims on kickoff returns, and give Sam Brownlee and Dana Brown someone to compete with in practice. No shame, Troy - every team needs someone on the scout team who can break the occasional tackle.
Ellis Hobbs III - would probably see the field in some nickel sets.
J.J. Moses - would give Zach Gabelmann something in practice upon which he could "vent his anger".
"Marvelous" Marv Seiler - Would stick as the #4 QB. The nickname alone gets him in, as any effort to kick him off the team would result in a scene of starters giving up their spot for him, a la Rudy.
That Guy Bibguy Called Dumbo - Still not able to beat out Cheerleader Bruce, Tom, "Bullies of the Big Ten" First Down Guy, Mark McGwire/Chad Greenway Dude, the Penn State people, those "Reeeeal Nice" people that used to sit in front of me, the Stylesetters, Headphone Guy, This S.O.B., Earl's Grill (I hear it's a HELL of a cooking implement), the Worm, Woman Who Knows the Other Team Holds on Every Play, Windsock Guy, Eggwarmer / Yep-Nope / 10-90 / Missouri Compromise, Cheerleader Bruce's life partner, or either one of the Red Headed Assholes for a starting spot in any respectable Kinnick section. As Bibguy rightly points out, there are many others that Dumbo wouldn't budge from the depth chart - The Minister from Milwaukee, the Statistician, The Guy Who Said "What's a Frozen Rope?", and Moustache Lady, to name a few. Especially The Guy Who Said "What's a Frozen Rope?".
Seneca Wallace - would probably push Andy Fenstermaker in practice after a position switch.

Did I leave anyone from Cow Tech out? If I did, it was awfully God damned intentional, because they all committed to the SUCK-CLOWNS at Moo U.! "

I'd dearly love it if Iowa State went 11-1 10-2 9-3 this year, so long as they lose this game. Does that make me a bad person?

Rode into town one day

Finally... Your Redheadedstranger... has come back... to...

Where the hell am I? Blogger? Blogspot? Who effing cares. I'm here. I've landed. Good times will be had by all.