All about me

A brief update on the life of Your RHS...

- I'm still happily engaged. I know, I'm as shocked as you.
- Your RHS almost went to court against his mighty former property management people. Instead, he orchestrated an intricate settlement by which he and his comrades went from owing over $400 to pocketing $750. (And by orchestrated, I mean sat in the canteen at the courthouse and listened somewhat intently to the parties bicker back and forth, interrupting when necessary.) Our settlement was approved by the judge RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the courtroom where a Certain Iowa Football Player was busy entering a guilty plea for Something He Did Last Fall.
- Your RHS is getting over the worst stomach bug he has had in YEARS. If you get this winter's stomach bug, ask your doctor about the possibility of being put into a drug-induced coma for a week. It'll be better in the long run.
- Your RHS even got a Tuesday off of work this week because of the weather. Show must go on my ASS.

Hope you've all been well. My job has made it very difficult to maintain any sort of a social schedule this year - something I hope to change in 2008.

Finally, I've had a few friends - too many - who've lost loved ones before their time recently. You're all in my thoughts.

Your RHS is still jiggy, phat, fly, and dope

You know how Your RHS loves his sports.

You know he's "Down With It" when it comes to the hip-hop. Kool Moe Dee, Young Emcee, Oh Dee Bee - I love them all.

That is why this caused me to giggle like an eight-year-old school girl this morning. When life hands you lemons, ditch them and look for giggles on the internet.

The only end, my friend

I shall not post a lengthy diatribe about the ignominious end of the Iowa football season.

I will merely point out that Kirk Ferentz - a man that can coach a football team, no question about it - is making almost $3 million a season, and over the past three years his won/loss record is 19-19.

His team's arrest record is much worse.

Earn your money, Kirk.

I'll be waiting patiently to see what changes are made in the offseason - and if there aren't changes, I imagine some Iowa fans are going to be more than a little peeved.

He's infringing on my decrees!

I've always felt that I would make a good king, or at least a kick ass duke.

Now I realize Juan Carlos is my royal idol.

When do the rest of us get our chance?

How did...














take a team from...














into gridiron combat with THE...














University and come out with a ...











?

Man - if the Gobbledy Zooker had managed to squeak one out against Iowa...they'd be staring the BCS directly in the face. Go Zooker!

Meanwhile, Iowa is staring Phoenix or Orlando (or, God help us, Detroit) squarely in the face. I am absolutely shocked that the ol' Captain got the troops whipped into shape like he did. I foresaw a 3 or 4 win season not all that long ago, and now a win against a somewhat hapless Western Michigan team this Saturday makes Iowa 7-5 - more wins than they had last year.

Do not forget, tailgate attendees - the tailgate this Saturday has been proclaimed the 'Stache Bash. Apparently, males who show up sans mustache will be snickered at and will not be allowed to think they're cool because they don't have a mustache.

I've also been told that a mustache in conjunction with other facial hair is a no go. 'Staches only. We'll see.

Kudos

The fellas over at sportscliche.com have helped me sum up Iowa's late season surge in true color commentator form:

He's a good X's and O's coach. He runs a squeaky-clean program. They're a blue collar team. They've gone to a youth movement. They've got tremendous mental toughness. They're a dark horse team. This team is showing flashes of brilliance. They're finally hitting their stride. This team is really starting to gel. This team is starting to make some noise. This could be a sleeper team. They're a team to be reckoned with. Everybody's on the same page. The players have bought into the system. This team is not going to sneak up on anybody. This team has turned the corner. This team has raised the bar. They've gotten over the hump. This team has finally gotten off the schneid. This team travels well. Those players form their nucleus. He's really whipped them into shape. He's got them headed in the right direction. This team takes on the personality of their coach. He must challenge his players. These guys have been working their tails off. These guys have been busting their butts. They're finally getting the respect they deserve. They've been playing with confidence. They've got great team chemistry. This team is like a family. They've got die-hard fans. You have to respect their quickness. You have to respect their athleticism. You have to respect their physicality. They do a great job defensively. They're a multi-faceted team. They're an offensive-minded team. They have a high-octane offense. They have a potent offense. They've got a lot of depth. They pride themselves on their defense. They have a stingy defense. They have a swarming defense. They play tough "D". They play punishing defense. They’ve been on a roll. They’re over-achievers. They can go the distance. They won't be denied. They strike fear in the hearts of their opponents. They’ve come out of nowhere. They’ve returned from oblivion. What an incredible turnaround. They’re a better team than their record indicates. They're no pushovers. They give you so many different looks. They have a lot of weapons. They've got a tremendous ballclub. They can put up big numbers. They’re a team of destiny. They're playing within themselves. They're taking it one game at a time. They're on a mission.

I'll say it - God bless the sports cliche. Did you know Clark Kellogg coined the term physicality? I needed another reason to hate his guts. Thank you, Clark!

I value your input

I was sitting here today, brooding over the fact that I'm going to miss the Iowa/Minnesota game, and I got to thinking - what about the gameday experience annoys me? What's tired? What's played?

Specifically, I was thinking how I shake my head a little every time they crank Start Me Up over the loudspeakers before a kickoff.

Tired. Played.

Jangling keys during a kickoff?

Tired. Played.

The people who sit 10 rows behind me who once last season shouted "HALF THE DISTANCE TO THE GOAL!" when the other team was penalized while on the Iowa 2 yard line and have proceeded to do it for every opposition penalty since that point?

Tired. Played.

What do you like about being at a live football game? What do you wish would go away permanently?

(Iowa 23, Minnesota 17, in case you wondered.)

Style!

The Fisherpriceman brings up another recent passing - Porter Wagoner - which I had failed to note (mostly because I thought he died yeeears ago). If you haven't seen the video clip of he and Dolly belting out Daddy Was an Old Time Preacher Man over on FPM's blog, do so. I did.

Which brings us to the point of this post. That suit ol' Porter was wearing was a Nudie suit, and a lot of people can't even be in the same room with such an outfit without expressing their emotions in such ways as "ROFL" and "LMAO". I, however, think it's high time the damned things made a comeback in country music. Why? I'm glad you asked!

Here we see Gram Parsons (undoubtedly during his Flying Burrito Brothers days) rocking his own Nudie suit. Notice the clever rhinestone herbs on the jacket via which Gram says, "Hey, brother - you back in the 30th row - go ahead and spark up, brother, because it's all groovy with me."

The back featured a red cross, perhaps meant to tell that same guy in the 30th row to be sorry he burned a burrito torpedo in the presence of his wife and child.

(I have to confess at this point that I was KISS in concert during their non-makeup days. In front of me sat a middle aged guy who brought his wife, his two young sons, and his sweet sweet sticky. Impressive parenting.)

Here's a shot of the aforementioned Porter Wagoner from behind at the Grand Ole Opry. Porter might have worried fans would forget his name. I'm not sure.

Before you ask - no, it is absolutely positively not possible for a Nudie suit to be "gaudy" or "too busy". Nudie Cohn would spin in his grave if you thought such a thing. Please do not. Grave spinning is illegal where Nudie is buried.

I hope Porter Wagoner was buried in a Nudie suit. I really do. I spent a few days in Ottumwa for a wedding last year, and one of the high points was waking up in the hotel to a Sunday morning rebroadcast of the old Porter Wagoner show. At least, I think it was the Porter Wagoner show. The glare from the suits was a little much to take at 7 am on a Sunday.

Here's Nudie himself, rocking one of his finer suits. Ever get a good giggle (or drunken satisfaction) out of singing along with Rhinestone Cowboy? Stop thanking Glen Campbell - without Nudka "Nudie" Cohn, there wouldn't be any rhinestone cowboys. Like Elvis in his gold lame suit? That was Nudie as well. Charged the Colonel $10,000 for a suit that cost him $500 to make. I think they both made out pretty well in the end.

There's just no sparkle or pizzazz anymore, ya know? Little Jimmy Dickens has a closet full of Nudie suits. Kenny Chesney cuts the sleeves off of his casual dress shirts. Webb Pierce had an awesome Nudie suit featuring himself behind bars plucking a guitar - all because he recorded a popular version of In the Jailhouse Now. Toby Keith has a beat-up straw cowboy hat that could have come from Wal-Mart.

What ever happened to the spectacle? The style? Hell, even when everyone was wearing a Nudie suit on stage no one looked alike. Buck Owens, Roy Rogers and Hank Williams loved them enough to be buried in them. Do you honestly think Alan Jackson wants to meet his maker in a white cowboy hat and jeans? I truly believe Roy Rogers wanted to meet the Almighty wearing his finest Nudie suit. I only hope Dale did the same.

If you take nothing else away from this brief rant, dear reader, take this - country music has a long and (obviously) colorful history that has been trampled on over the last 10-15 years. You may laugh at the Nudie suits, but I still listen to every Nudie-suit-wearing artist listed in this rant on a fairly regular basis. They recorded music that reflected their own personal tastes and their individuality. Today's country artists are just looking to get another top ten hit out there so Sean Hannity will invite them to play a Freedom Concert somewhere, hopefully boosting sales a little more.

The industry has finally won, the artists have finally lost, and we're all a little worse off for the war.

Say it ain't so! (Part 2)

I was reminded by nothing in particular that someone of no real importance had told me Charles Nelson Reilly was no longer amongst the living.

I recoiled in horror, as certainly I would have heard that CNR passed away.

Turns out CNR has brought down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. At least he'll have Brett Somers to joke with in the great beyond. And Gene Rayburn. Having watched many an episode of Match Game '7?, it's a bit surprising some of the panelists made it into their old age. Only Richard Dawson - the man who fled Match Game when they wouldn't let him play every bonus round - remains. (Incidentally, didja know that it was Richard Dawson who introduced Bob Crane to John Carpenter? Yes, that is a chill you feel filling the room.)

While looking up that bit of sad CNR news, I got hit with another shot to the solar plexus - Robert Goulet has taken Red Ships of Spain on tour in the afterlife.

No longer will we see his nut ads.

No longer will he urge us to dream the impossible dream.

Sigh.

CNR gone? Robert Goulet gone? I have to say it - Your RHS is a little bummed.

Say it ain't so!

Dominique Douglas (aka Doug E. Fresh) (aka Ocho ocho) tried to steal some DVDs from the Wal-Mart last night.

Apparently, he just took them out of the cases and threw them under his coat.

The Wal-Mart knew exactly who he was, as he had come in to deal with a money order at the customer service desk - meaning they had his name and address and next-of-kin and whatever other information one might need to locate and arrest a criminal.

This comes while he is awaiting trial on other theft charges.

Allow me to be the first to say - DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YOU.

Douglas would have been a very nice component to the passing game this year, but not if he can't keep himself from stealing while, you know, waiting to be tried for stealing.

All last year media outlets talked about him as a character kid. Turns out - and this is SHOCKING - you shouldn't believe everything the sports media prints.

Unbelievable.

On a side note, I swear I think about more than Iowa football. You wouldn't know that by monitoring the recent history of this blog, but I swears to you, it's trues.

Exactly like I drew it up

If you go back and read my previous blog entry about the upcoming Iowa/Michigan State game (don't bother), you'll see that I correctly predicted...

- Albert Young would go off for 170+ yards (hope he isn't too hurt).
- Jevon Pugh would score in overtime.
- Adrian Clayborn would make a crucial sack in the second OT.
- Paul Chaney JUNIOR would catch his first TD of the season in OT.
- Drew Gardner would make the tackle that sealed the deal.

MEMO TO THE IOWA COACHES- GET THE YOUNG GUYS ON THE FIELD!

I am officially withdrawing any "Back up the truck" or "cover the field" comments I made previously. I don't think this team is going to win on the road, but if they win out at home - horror of horrors, they're probably bowl bound.

Don't ask me if they deserve it. That's a question for a more reasoned and logical time. Just celebrate with the following lyrics...

In Heaven there is no beer
That's why we drink it here
And when we're gone from here
Our friends will be drinking all the beer

Amazing rhyme structure. Truly groundbreaking. Go Hawks!

You Know What I Hate?

I hate being so right about an Iowa game.

Getting your ass kicked by the favorite sons of Wilford Brimley is no way to impress Your RHS.

Iowa is a bad bad bad football team. Injuries are a small part of that. Constant off-the-field distractions, sluggish on-field efforts, poor coaching decisions...they make up a bigger portion of the problem.

I won't lie and say wins and losses don't matter to me - they do. They matter very much. If you're not prepared to put a competitive team on the field every year at Iowa, don't bother applying for the job.

What concerns me more is the constant stream of problems that happen off the field. Problems that involve the local constabulary. Players stealing credit cards. Players driving drunk. Players urinating in public then running to avoid the ticket. Players threatening their live in girlfriends. Rumors are swirling now about another pair of players who may have been involved in a significant illegal act.

One thing I know Gary Barta won't do is sit on his a** while this goes on. Iowa fans have patted each other on the back for years telling each other that Iowa wins (or loses) the "right" way. Those days are over. Sure, Iowa isn't paying the players (or they haven't been caught doing it, anyway), but it's high time someone began enforcing some meaningful discipline on the players in the football program. Their place on the team and their scholarships are neither one a right, they're privileges - privileges which many current and former members of the football program seem unable to understand.

My best bet is that as bad as Iowa has been this year, they finish 5-7. Minnesota and Western Michigan aren't exactly setting the world on fire. Still, it's hard for me to put much of an emotional investment in the current band of thugs trotting out and showing no heart on a weekly basis.

That being said, I'll be in my seat at Kinnick Stadium on Saturday hoping the Hawkeyes can beat Michigan State. If they decide to put the game in the hands of a quarterback who is clearly not ready to win a game on his own, they will get blown out. MSU could put up 60 if Iowa doesn't run the ball. If they think that unlike every other game this year, their receivers are suddenly going to start running good routes, getting separation, and catching the G** d***ed ball, the coaching staff is drinking a brand of Kool-Aid I'd like to try.

38-10 Michigan State is my sad prediction for this weekend. I think Iowa could go out and beat Sparty, I just question if the coaches and players will put the team in a position to do so.

Boiler Up

Apparently, as an Iowa fan I was supposed to be discussing bowl possibilities this week. (I wasn't). Good Lord - the team is 3-4! How many times this season have they managed to score more than one touchdown in a game? Twice? Considering they beat a 1-win team in one of those games and got ripped by the Indiana Freaking Hoosiers in the other, I'm not all that impressed.

The offense is - how to put this nicely - still a little "challenged". The defense looked good against the spread option that Illinois runs - an offense which has absolutely gobbled Iowa up in the past couple of years - but they didn't throw the ball a whole lot. When they did, it was generally disastrous for Iowa (or Illinois on a couple of occasions). Purdue is an offense that Iowa is capable of stopping. They've done it before. Hell, they did it last season with many of the same young gentlemen they'll be trotting out on Saturday.

That being said - I have a sinking feeling Iowa is going to come out flat on the road, and by the time they wake up they're going to be buried under an insurmountable deficit - something in the 10 to 14 point range. I'm sure Captain Kirk will take lots of notes during the game and look on stoically while his team plays without emotion in the first quarter.

Iowa is going to need to maintain their steady diet of AY and young Mr. Sims on offense in order to keep their defense fresh. Purdue has been exposed the past two weeks by Michigan and Ohio State as the latest in a long line of Big Ten Pretenders that Joe Tiller has cobbled together in West Lafayette, but Iowa isn't even in the Pretender category.

The spread on this game is hovering around a touchdown, and the over/under is around 45.5. I'd take Purdue and the under.

Random notes:

• Kudos to Dana Brown for his stay at Iowa. Thanks for keeping it classy, buddy.
• Best thing I've read on the message board this week: Matt Carufel is an o-lineman that Iowa went after out of high school. He recently left Notre Dame and seems to have narrowed his transfer choices to Iowa or Mini-soda. One poster posited that a 2010 offensive line of Bryan Bulaga, Julian Vandervelde, Matt Carufel, James Ferentz, and a nameless fifth guy would be ridiculous. Response from an obviously gifted poster: "A line of Blake Larson (sic), Chris Felder, Chris Thomas, Mike Jones, and somebody else could be ridiculous - Unknown, 2003". Until someone is in the starting lineup at Iowa and playing well, I just can't get too fired up about potential recruits. (Except Blake Larsen. Dude won some Leadership awards. And Matt Bohnet. He saw the writing on the wall and transferred to Eastern Michigan in order to free up space for better QBs on the roster. They'll both Always Be A Hawk.)
• Kirk says Tony Moeaki might play this week. I say "BULLS**T" while coughing into my hand.
• Andy Brodell's injury was/is career threatening? Good gravy. I hear it's bad when your hamstring muscle actually tears completely off of the bone.
  

Nobel? Noble?

Reserving comment on whether or not Al Gore's half of the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize was warranted or deserved...doesn't his picture from their website look like he could have been the head of the Soviet Union between Brezhnev and Andropov?

Imagine him making a fiery anti-American speech in Russian with that silly lisp/accent thingy he has going. I challenge you not to giggle - and if you don't laugh, you probably are a Commie pinko anyway.

Istan-bull

It amuses me greatly that Turkey is so vociferous in its assertion that the "mass killing" of Armenians that the Ottoman Turks perpetrated during World War I was not genocide.

Merely a mass killing.

(Thank goodness that's cleared up!)

While I appreciate the tactic of sticking one's fingers in one's ears and loudly humming "The Stars & Stripes Forever" while someone else points out the truth, this has become just a tad ridiculous. The Turks are quick to point out why it isn't genocide...

A) It wasn't directly orchestrated by the government (unless you look into the matter).
B) Only 300,000 Armenians were killed (or was it over a million? I suppose once you hit six figures, the rest is gravy).
C) The word genocide wasn't coined until the 1940s (best reason yet!).

Turkey wishes so desperately to join the EU and be considered a cosmopolitan European nation yet can't seem to own up to what was done within their own borders 90+ years ago? Let them cool relations with the United States. Let them beat their chests in public and trot out revisionist historians to explain why the systematic elimination of hundreds of thousands of Armenians was simply inter-racial skirmishing during the war. I for one refuse to listen any more. If the prospect of a non-binding resolution terming the event genocide passing a House committee is driving the Turkish government around the bend, then I for one can hardly wait to see what happens when it sails through the full House.

What the Turks need to understand is simple: rational people don't hold the current government responsible for what the Young Turks did during the war - they hold them responsible for refusing to acknowledge the truth. It's hard to consider a state a legitimate voice in the modern world when they refuse to acknowledge their own past faults. It seems to be this would be something akin to the U.S. claiming that they never allowed slavery, but did have an extensive African guest worker program prior to the Civil War. Utterly ludicrous, but that's what we're seeing today.

I wish the Erdogan government would come to realize this and proceed accordingly, but they'll use patriotic fervor and anti-American sentiment to whip up further support for themselves. What this accomplishes outside of a brief wider mandate remains entirely unclear to me. I tire of the notion that there are lists of countries we are allowed to offend and and lists which we are not allowed to offend. I'm rather in favor of speaking the truth, and if that means embarrassing some nation because they refuse to acknowledge their faults, then so be it.

Iowa Won(?)(!)

A recap of what I called for and how it worked out...

A) Iowa commit to running the ball.

They ran the ball fairly effectively, picking up 141 yards on the ground. Albert Young looked good and helped keep a grinding offense on the field - keeping Iowa's defense off the field.

B) Jacody Coleman get significant PT.

He did. The kid apparently has no skills in pass coverage, but I love the intensity he brings to the field.

C) Chad Geary get significant PT.

I didn't see him in on defense at any time. On the flip side, I only saw an Iowa d-end make one play all day. Iowa's defensive ends have been "not real good" this season.

D) THROW THE G** D***ED BALL TO DJK!

2 catches, 27 yards. He also fumbled a kickoff, but managed to bring it out past the 20 anyway.

E) Kirk to show "emotion".

The Press-Citizen claims he was "teary-eyed" after the game. I can not confirm, as I was busy celebrating.

F) An offensive line that has figured out how to pick up a blitz.

They didn't need to figure it out. Illinois played Norm Parker ball and sat back in a 4-3 all game. Uninspired gameplan on the part of the Illinois staff (which, if you've heard me talk about Ron Zook, shouldn't surprise you in the least).

I said if Iowa's offense moved the ball and kept the defense off the field, they would have a chance to win. They won the time of possession battle by almost 10 full minutes, meaning Brett Greenwood was fresh when Eddie McGee threw that duck into his arms in the closing minutes. I by no means expected Iowa would be able to hang on to the ball, but kudos to the team and staff for a well-executed game plan.

Iowa still has a long ways to go to be a good football team, but they showed some desire and heart today. The offense committed to hanging on to the football, the defense played (God help me for saying this) textbook bend but don't break football - even the special teams looked all right (ignoring Ryan Donahue's attempt at a coffin corner that gave Illinois the ball at the 30 with 2 1/2 minutes left).

To quote the illustrious Bibguy, a win is a win. No such thing as winning ugly.

Once more into the breach

Good ol' SUI takes on the Offensive Native American Nicknames of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign on Saturday.

Keith Jackson liked to refer to Kinnick Stadium as a snake pit for opposing teams; however, as of 2007 Illinois is having a dream season, Iowa is having a nightmare season, and Keith Jackson is shilling Gatorade.

Illinois will come looking for blood, and probably find it the first time little Jake Christensen drops back to pass.

I have little hope for the game on Saturday. I cling to home-field advantage, recent domination of the series by Iowa, and the fact that the Gobbledy Zooker is pacing the Offensive Native American Nickname sideline.

Things I do hope to see...

A) Iowa commit to running the ball.
B) Jacody Coleman get significant PT.
C) Chad Geary get significant PT.
D) THROW THE G** D***ED BALL TO DJK!
E) Kirk to show "emotion".
F) An offensive line that has figured out how to pick up a blitz.
G) More DJK.
H) The Worm! (Where did you go, Worm? The North end zone needs you now more than ever!)
I) Blaise Bryant and his kick-ass high top fade.
J) More DJK, with a smattering of Coleman fist pumping on defense.
K) Kirk to "run out of chewing gum".
L) A backspace button to edit out those quotation marks in point K. I really would like Kirk to run out of gum.
M) Herky to give up looking for the absent Offensive Native American Mascot and go after the Gobbledy Zooker instead.
N) A Hawkeye win.
O) More DJK.

I think that about sums up what I want to see on Saturday. I'm sure I forgot a few things. I'm still saying 27-10 Illinois, because we know Iowa's offense is putrid and their defense will be worn out by halftime.

If Iowa can move the ball and keep their defense rested, they can win this game. If, however, they spend most of the day going three and out...guh.

Yeah

Let's see...how was the weekend in the world of RHS sports?

1. Hawkeyes spanked
2. Cubs spanked
3. Vikings downed by debilitating Bye Week Flu
4. This guy saw GAME DAY RON in the flesh at a local JV sporting contest

Number 4 saved what may have been an unbearable weekend. I had a sinking feeling the Cubs wouldn't be able to win a game in the desert, but I thought MAYBE they could sack up and win one at home. I hate being a delusional Cubs fan.

I suppose that last sentence was a little repetitive, wasn't it?

So - no more baseball, two flailing inept football teams to follow for the next few months... life is really great on the sports front.

This week's tailgate theme is our third annual chili cook off. I'm thinking that my current supply of habañero peppers isn't quite hot enough for this guy's taste, so I guess I'll have to figure out another way to spice things up...

On a side note - I broke out a tilde! What a Monday.

Special Sauce Indeed

I had an underwhelming experience with a "legendary" local restaurant the first time I went, but kept hearing from people, "No! You just caught them on a bad night! Try it again!"

So I did try it again, and it was better. I went back yet again and enjoyed myself. The memories of that first visit was really starting to fade.

Those trips have come to an end for a while, I think. Back to square one, I guess. Maybe I'll cheer myself up with a trip to Sutliff.

Might as well jump

The Chicago Cubs begin their quest to end a fairly long drought this evening when they take on the tradition-rich Arizona Diamondbacks in game one of the 2007 NLDS. The Diamondbacks, it should be noted, have won exactly half as many World Series titles since entering the National League in 1998 as the Cubs have since they became a charter member of the National League in 1876*.

Somehow, the Cubs have been given the tag of "favorite" in this epic 5-game throwdown. I feel compelled to ask whether or not the "experts" picking the Cubs have actually seen the Cubs play this year, but I'm not without hope. If Big Z can out-pitch Brandon Webb and give the Cubs a win in Game 1, I'm going to feel pretty good about the Cubs chances. If, on the other hand, the Cubs throw Zambrano and Lilly in Phoenix and come home down 2-0...guh.

History weighs heavily on a Cub fan's mind whenever the Cubs begin to taste a little success, and this year is no different. Twice in my lifetime, the Cubs were in total command of the NLCS and already selling World Series tickets only to implode (I remember who Tim Flannery is, Leon - do you?). I'm normally not a "JUST GET THERE!" guy, but if the Cubs made it to the World Series - they could get swept for all I care! - I'd be ecstatic. It would be nice to have happy stories to tell my grandkids after I regale them with such epic Cubs tales as "Kal Ran Out of Gas" and "Candy Fell Down" and "Leon Once Did So Much Blow...".

Lastly, memo to Steve Bartman - you and I both know you didn't cost the Cubs anything in 2003. That being said, watch the games on TV, and hopefully when Alfonso Soriano hits his fifth homer of the series in game 3, he'll be hitting it over a Tru-Link fence.

* - In fairness to the Cubs, they didn't start playing the World Series until 1903, and there wasn't a series at all in 1904 or 1994, so ... I have no idea what point I was trying to make here. The Cubs have spent the last 60+ years playing some brutal baseball.

Not again

As some people can attest to, I lost my cool at the end of the 1999 Iowa/Western Michigan game when the Hawkeyes were completely whipped by a MAC team.

I see they're the last game of the 2007 schedule.

Do they run the spread? If so, there's not a single game left on the schedule that I'm confident Iowa will win.

How does a team go from 4 consecutive January bowl games to being the worst team in the Big Ten? I realize many of you think I'm exaggerating, but Iowa's offense is putrid, their defense is stale and predictable, and their special teams wouldn't cut it in the Gateway Conference, let alone the Big 1(1)0.

Unless Iowa proves they can pass the ball, they could be looking at 0-8 in the conference - something which was unthinkable even a couple of weeks ago.

A major house cleaning is in order for the coaching staff this winter, I'm afraid. I'm not sure why any talented defensive recruit would want to play at Iowa, and watching the offense this season, why would anyone from that side of the ball want to play here either?

Things are looking mighty bleak for the Hawkeyes at the moment. Consistently having walk-ons in the two-deeps on the offensive line MIGHT be catching up with them. Maybe. That and a whole slew of other problems.

Sydney White

** out of *****

The lack of an online image of the movie's poster says volumes about the faith studio execs had in its ability to make "the cash."

They were right, of course.

Sydney White is a modern retelling of Snow White, set during Sydney's freshman year at fictional Southern Atlantic University. This would have been more apparent had they gone with the original title, Sydney White and the Seven Dorks, but I guess they feared a backlash from dorks. Hey - I still went to see the movie, albeit not entirely voluntarily, so could the dork reference have hurt them that much?

There are a few clever references to the original story - the evil sorority girl constantly checks the campus "Hot or Not" (Hot or Not? Is this 1995?) website, saying to no one in particular the first time she sits to check it, "Am I still the fairest of them all?" The poisoned apple that puts Sydney to sleep is her iBook, which is hacked into by evil forces, forcing her to pull an all-nighter to rewrite a crucial paper (for the only class she appears to be taking in the movie) and sleep all day, almost missing a crucial moment in the climax of the film.

Much of the chance this movie had to be successful with me went right out the window from the start when I laid eyes on Amanda Bynes. Don't misunderstand - Your RHS ain't hatin' now, and he doesn't have anything against the young Ms. Bynes. Her fake-bake tan in the movie, however, was easily the worst makeup job I've seen in a wide release motion picture in years. It's so bad as to be distracting for the entire film. She's ORANGE, fer Pete's sake.

Sydney White was great for people who love Disney Channel movies or John Schneider cameos (and you know I love one of those!), but outside of that dedicated group, it won't keep you interested for any length of time.

Baseball?

That loud beeping you hear every night is the Chicago Cubs baseball club desperately trying to back into the playoffs.

That loud hacking noise you hear is the Milwaukee Brewers professional club of baseball players trying to choke away the chance to pass the Cubs.

The magic number is 2. 3 to play. Were it any other team in baseball, I'd be all fired up. It being the Cubs, I know it'll be all too easy to let this slip away.

I'm just not sure the Brewers will let them get away with folding like a cheap suit.

Update: The Cubs sacked up and managed to win a game, which was all that was needed to finish off those pesky Brewers. Playoffs here we come!

Like most Cubs fans, I'll believe the Cubs are in the World Series when Game 1 of the series is an official game and the Cubs are one of the participants. Not even winning the NLCS would convince me the Cubs were actually going. Also, like most actual Cubs fans, I don't believe this is "the year", based on the fact that the other three teams in the NL playoffs are "better" than the Cubs. Finally, like all Cubs fans, that doesn't mean I don't secretly, deep down inside, keep telling myself, "They're in the playoffs! Anything can happen!"

Satisfaction

Didja ever just need to see a picture?

I did today.

If you don't think the men in this picture are living life to the fullest, then I'm not sure we can be friends.

I'm sorry.

3:10 to Yuma

**** out of *****

I know - it's a big surprise that Your RHS liked a Western.

I was curious to see a New Zealander and a Welshman (don't you think Christian Bale runs like a Welshman?) slide into the iconic American roles of rancher and outlaw.

Good Lord were Russell Crowe and the aforementioned Welshman good in this film.

It's a rather familiar storyline in a Western - right takes on wrong, but exactly who is right and who is wrong is difficult to decipher at several points in the film. Crowe's outlaw goes back and forth from bandit with at least a spleen of gold to cold-hearted cutthroat who'd rather kill you than look at you, and Bale's rancher lets his motivation for 'doing good' drift back and forth from doing it for his kids to doing it for the money to doing it because its right.

The final act of the film I found particularly enjoyable, helping 3:10 to Yuma assume the title of "Best Western I've seen since Unforgiven." Excellent film. If you enjoy Westerns, you can not go wrong with 3:10 to Yuma.

The Simpsons

*** out of *****

I would have thought 1997 a more appropriate and opportune release window for The Simpsons Movie than 2007, but hey - I'm just a lowly worker in "the biz", and the folks at Fox are very very smart.

Very very very smart.

And talented! So talented they produced half a Simpsons movie that lived up to - nay, exceeded - expectations. I have to admit that the first hour or so of the movie tickled my funny bone in a way I thought it would never be tickled by the Simpsons again.
I even downloaded a Spider Pig ringtone - the Hans Zimmer overly dramatic movie score version, thank you very much - because I LOVED THAT PIG.

Once the family moved to Alaska...eh. It was OK, but nothing special.

In fairness to the folks who made the movie, I thought the shelf life of such a project had expired long ago, and expected very little from them. As it stands, I was entertained, and that's always a Good Thing.

I'm still wondering why Ahh-nuld was president in the movie, and not Ranier Wolfcastle, but that's a mild quibble at best.

A bigger quibble - what happened to the pig? Enquiring minds want to know!

Pop Quiz

Yet again, the Iowa secondary gets to see the Indiana Hoosiers, their spread offense, and receiver James Hardy - the first man over 8 feet tall to play FBS college football.

Your quiz...

1. James Hardy will catch 15 passes on Saturday. T/F

2. Iowa will have their duo of linebacking Mikes covering James Hardy often this weekend. T/F

3. Has Norm Parker and the rest of the staff figured out how to shut down the lowly Hoosiers?

A. Yes, RHS! Norm is a genius! Iowa's front seven is amazing!
B. No, RHS. You've seen how the spread offense gives Iowa fits despite the number of programs running it now.
C. Shoot the hostage.

4. Is it possible for James Hardy to catch 5 touchdown passes and still see his team lose the game? Explain your answer. Cite examples.

5. Over/Under on season ending injuries this weekend: 2 1/2. Take one. Put money where mouth is, if necessary.

6. Explain the nickel and dime defensive sets. Use illustrations if necessary.

We'll see if any of you pass the quiz. The best answer to #6 will have the honor of knowing more about such a defensive scheme than Iowa's entire defensive coaching staff.

I was about to type "If Iowa doesn't come out fired up and pound Indiana..." but why? We know they won't. They should win, but it'll be ugly and close.

Star Wars fans only

I'm by no means a Star Wars geek - I'll concede the geek part, but NOT the Star Wars part - and yet I found this downright humorous.

Let the funny flow through you...

The Brothers Solomon

** out of *****

I saw ads for this movie, heard people say how terrible it looked, and still wanted to see it.

I heard direct comments from people who saw the movie on opening weekend who hated it more than you can ever imagine, and I still wanted to see it.

I read that the studio released it on only 700 screens in an effort to dump it as quickly as possible, and I still wanted to see it.

I saw that it finished 24th at the box office on its opening weekend with a gross just under $600,000, and I still wanted to see it.

With those impossibly high standards in mind, I took in The Brothers Solomon.

Everyone who walked out of this movie before it ended - justified. Everyone who stumbled out after the credits with a stunned look on their face - justified. Everyone who made it a point of saying how terrible and horrible and no good very bad this film was - justified.

I laughed. Often.

The Brothers Solomon is a bad movie. It does not try to be a good movie. Aside from a terrible span in the final act, the movie is at least watchable, and had a strange knack for turning what started as tired gags into clever jokes at the end.

However, the movie plodded in places and lost its ability to entertain in others.

It gets one star for making me laugh in places, and one star for wheeling Lee Majors' still-living-yet-obviously-embalmed corpse onto the set every day.

Also - a high Chi McBride content in a stupid comedy is never bad thing.

Wait for it to be on Comedy Central, friends, and then hope that you've still got a few PBR's in the 'fridge to make it funnier.

Dad gum it

Iowa has some underclassmen with some potential on offense.

I wish they'd realize that potential...soon.

Perhaps not plateau, like Iowa players "with potential" in the past.

Also, are James Townsend and Warren Holloway the only Hawkeye receivers of the past 10 years capable of running a simple fly route down the center of the field without tripping over their own God damned Spaldings?

No, Bashir Yamini does not count, no matter how many times the south end zone called for it in 1999.

Balls of Fury

*** out of *****

Those of you who know Your RHS know that he enjoys dumb comedy - nay, he lives for it. Dumb comedies make the world go 'round for this guy.

Hence it should come as no surprise that I made it to my local movie house to take in a showing of Balls of Fury.

Many of the elements were there for a successful stupid film - ridiculous premise, Christopher Walken, that guy who played Snotty in Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise - yet when all was said and done something seemed to be missing. I laughed many a time, and I'm sure repeated viewings will make it an even better film, but some things just didn't click.

I don't enjoy saying this about any dumb comedy, but the plot felt rushed, and the romantic storyline felt strained and awkward. The writers couldn't seem to make up their mind whether they were spoofing Bruce Lee movies or making a wacky ping pong film.

That being said, the opening flashback sequence is priceless, and Diedrich Bader shows up in a KICK ASS cameo.

Did I mention the Revenge of the Nerds 2 connection? Maybe I forgot to mention that. I should.

It's no La Bamba, but Balls of Fury will do in a pinch.

Yes, I know the guy's name is James Hong. Did you know that without looking it up?

Juiced

I saw photos this weekend of O.J. being led around in handcuffs and read reports of him being held without bail - yet when I look at the dateline on my newspaper, it says 2007.

I'm so very confused. Is the new Blind Melon album out yet? Did they ever resolve the baseball strike? Is Ace of Base still huge?

Mmm. Getting in an Ace of Base reference always makes for a good Monday.

D'oh

Why did Iowa State manage to beat Iowa despite going completely dormant for 28 minutes of the second half?

They made the only two big plays of the game. One blocked FG, one long completion to put them in FG range at the end.

I'm sure a flurry of excuses will come from my fellow Hawkeye fans over the next few days, but Iowa lost because Iowa State played a better game from beginning to end. Iowa certainly had opportunities to win and failed to capitalize.

Bring on the Badgers?

And it runs on gasohol!

Setting aside the fact that Kirk Ferentz is the highest-paid public employee in the Great State of Iowa, is it fair that Gene Chizik is the one who gets the company car?

Oh, it's on yet again. There's something about Iowa/Iowa State that just makes me giddy. The rest of the country couldn't give two flying f**ks about the game, but Iowa goes all Civil War brother vs. brother over it.

I laid out some blasts last season, but here is my favorite...

"Legends of recent ISU football and how they would fit into Iowa's current depth chart...

Jason Berryman - would push Bryan Mattison and threaten to take his starting job, or at least his cell phone and pocket change.
Todd Blythe - Eric McCollom leaving team + Calvin Davis season-ending injury = Blythe getting to practice some with the third and fourth teams.
Blaise Bryant - would not be allowed to pad out, but would draw kudos from players allowed to pad out for "kick ass" high top fade.
Troy Davis - could spell Damian Sims on kickoff returns, and give Sam Brownlee and Dana Brown someone to compete with in practice. No shame, Troy - every team needs someone on the scout team who can break the occasional tackle.
Ellis Hobbs III - would probably see the field in some nickel sets.
J.J. Moses - would give Zach Gabelmann something in practice upon which he could "vent his anger".
"Marvelous" Marv Seiler - Would stick as the #4 QB. The nickname alone gets him in, as any effort to kick him off the team would result in a scene of starters giving up their spot for him, a la Rudy.
That Guy Bibguy Called Dumbo - Still not able to beat out Cheerleader Bruce, Tom, "Bullies of the Big Ten" First Down Guy, Mark McGwire/Chad Greenway Dude, the Penn State people, those "Reeeeal Nice" people that used to sit in front of me, the Stylesetters, Headphone Guy, This S.O.B., Earl's Grill (I hear it's a HELL of a cooking implement), the Worm, Woman Who Knows the Other Team Holds on Every Play, Windsock Guy, Eggwarmer / Yep-Nope / 10-90 / Missouri Compromise, Cheerleader Bruce's life partner, or either one of the Red Headed Assholes for a starting spot in any respectable Kinnick section. As Bibguy rightly points out, there are many others that Dumbo wouldn't budge from the depth chart - The Minister from Milwaukee, the Statistician, The Guy Who Said "What's a Frozen Rope?", and Moustache Lady, to name a few. Especially The Guy Who Said "What's a Frozen Rope?".
Seneca Wallace - would probably push Andy Fenstermaker in practice after a position switch.

Did I leave anyone from Cow Tech out? If I did, it was awfully God damned intentional, because they all committed to the SUCK-CLOWNS at Moo U.! "

I'd dearly love it if Iowa State went 11-1 10-2 9-3 this year, so long as they lose this game. Does that make me a bad person?

Rode into town one day

Finally... Your Redheadedstranger... has come back... to...

Where the hell am I? Blogger? Blogspot? Who effing cares. I'm here. I've landed. Good times will be had by all.